THE FEDERAL ARK PROJECT

If Noah had to build his Ark today:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said:

"In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you, Noah, to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for an Ark to Noah.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"SIX MONTHS, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or have learned how to tread water for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall, but the Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?"

A lightning bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah. "Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.

First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet the State building code requirements. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. The engineer insisted on payment in gold, and, as you know Lord, here in America, we have none.

Noah went on, "Then I got into a big fight with the County over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. I tried to explain that fires won't start on a boat in a 40 day rain, and that, since we were under Your Protection, Lord, even if a fire did start, we were sure that you would enable us to put it out somehow.

Now there is a competency hearing in court for me that I must attend on Monday.

Then my neighbors objected to the project, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, and collecting animals without a zoo permit, so I had to get an exemption, and a variance from the city planning commission.
They wanted gold too.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. No dice - NO wood.

AND, they wouldn't let me catch any owls either. So no owls.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer again. So now we have 16 carpenters, 15 male and 1 female, going on the boat, and still no owls.

When I started gathering up animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. First they objected to me capturing any animals at all, then they objected to our
taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on our animal waste
disposal and your proposed flood plain. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain.
I sent them a globe, but I don’t think they understand.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many gay, crippled, black Croatian females
I'm supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to evade paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the State about owing
some kind of use tax on a boat, even though it looks like it will never actually get used.

I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully. "No," the Lord said sadly, "MAN already has.